(Below is Part 5 of our foster care journey. Here are the links for Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 … in the event you missed any of them.)

May 2011

My preoccupation with being pregnant increased even more during the month of May.

I found out a college friend of mine became pregnant after 7 years of not having any babies! This renewed my hope that it really COULD happen! Though they did not have a vasectomy like we did, I was hopeful that we could be pregnant again, too.

My obsession only burned hotter and brighter.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I later noticed May 2011 marked the 5 year anniversary from when Papa had his vasectomy. Five years. Though I knew we had worked through our regret for having the vasectomy, I still couldn’t shake the greatness of this loss.

I felt like I should DO something.

May 19, 2011

As my desire to be pregnant continued to consume every part of me, I realized I wanted to do something. I don’t like waiting. But, we had learned from our past experiences and were ready to wait and hear the LORD’s direction for us. We didn’t want to do just anything, we wanted to do what the Lord was leading us to do.

I remember my Uncle describing years and years ago that “true repentance” is “being willing to do whatever it takes to make it right again.” Wow. Whatever it takes.

As we saw them, our options included:

#1-vasectomy reversal.

#2-adoption.

#3-foster care.

Were will truly willing to do “whatever it takes?”

May 19, 2011 marks the day I sent out an email to close friends, family and also to our pastors to seek prayer and wisdom regarding the “next step.”

Below are a few excerpts from that email:

Today, I find myself always thinking about this loss. Not that we have physically lost children since that decision [to get a vasectomy], but we’ve lost the possibility of more wonderful children in our family. I think about it daily. <tears are streaming down my face>

BUT. BUT … I know that we serve a God who can do the impossible. He has parted waters of the sea, calmed storms, healed the blind, raised the dead, made the lame walk, defeated giants, protected from lions, multiplied food, sent fire from heaven, caused time to stand still … made it possible for Mary, Sarah and Elizabeth to be pregnant … I know HE is able!! I mean not this to sound cliche’ … but mean it with my whole heart and agree with His Word when it says … With God, ALL things are possible!!!

With this hope, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that something will happen and that our family will grow again. Somehow, someway, our family will grow.

We have prayed for God to do the impossible and to make it so we are able to have more children. We have opened our minds and hearts up to the possibility of adopting or fostering. We are open.  Both Papa and I feel like our family is “not done” yet. What that looks like, I do not know. Even in saying, “our family isn’t done yet”, I am not sure why or how I can explain that feeling. I recently asked Papa WHY we feel we’re not done yet. Is it because the Lord is preparing us to have more children? Is it because He wants us to prepare our home and family for a future adoption/foster child? I am reminded of this clip from “Facing the Giants” in “preparing” to receive. Or, perhaps we feel this way because we want the Lord to bring “life” where there was “death”? Redemption? Healing? I don’t know that I know the answer to this question. Why. Why do we feel we are not done?

In response to our email, a friend of mine asked about the possibility of a reversal. I let her know what it would take to have it done (financially, physically, time, etc.). I also mentioned that “I’m scared to death to foster or adopt … but am open to it.”

She then asks me, “Why are you scared to foster or adopt?”

My response,

Scared to adopt/foster?  Lots of reasons … scared what “issues” will come with them:

• scared how they’ll mesh with the family
• scared how our extended family will welcome them into our family
• scared what issues they’d teach our kids (lots and lots of anger and abuse issues in every realm here)
• scared it’ll just be too much and I can’t handle it
• scared we won’t love them as much as our biological
  scared our other kids will feel neglected
• scared … for more reasons … but those are a good start.

Lots to think about. Not sure I can handle it … or that I want to handle it.

She simply replies, “I want to pray for you about your fears concerning adoption, I REALLY think it is such a wonderful thing … but I totally get the concerns but I want you to experience more freedom and less fear about it.”

More freedom. Less fear.

Those words jumped off of my laptop screen as I read them. More freedom, less fear. I quickly realized I had allowed myself to be in bondage over the idea of fostering or adopting. Most certainly, I had fed my fears concerning it.

Was I truly prepared to do “whatever it takes,” no matter where it leads or what it looks like?

Was I genuinely willing to open my heart and our home in a capacity that was far greater than I had ever thought or imagined?

Was this how God would eventually grow our family?

In recognizing the multitude of my fears for what they were (hindrances), my heart began to soften and change. A shift was taking place. Fostering and/or adopting children didn’t seem too far fetched as we looked down this unexpected turn in the road.

(Stay tuned for Part 6 …)