(Below is Part 4 of our foster care journey. Here are the links to Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3, in case you missed them.)

November 2010 – May 2011

Two years after Papa and I cried out to the Lord for forgiveness regarding Papa’s vasectomy, a big shift took place: I became obsessed.

In hopes of the Lord doing a miracle in our bodies, I became fully convinced I was pregnant every month. This obsession consumed me for approximately 2 years. In particular, the hope of conceiving again was never more alive than between November 2010 and May 2011. I looked forward to seeing if I was pregnant every month. I (mentally) manufactured pregnancy symptoms convincing myself I was actually expecting again. I calculated ovulation and watched my cycle closely. Every month, for these 6 months especially, I was obsessed.

The idea of being pregnant never left my mind.

Ever.

I searched online the probability for getting pregnant after a vasectomy. I searched websites to be reminded of the symptoms of pregnancy.  I searched for stories of others’ experiences with getting pregnant after a vasectomy. I searched to know how much time and money it would take to get a vasectomy reversal. I spent many hours online searching and searching and searching for these things.

All of this searching left me hungry and longing for something I couldn’t have.

I didn’t say much to anyone during this time. In scenarios like these, I tend to try and be brave by myself. I don’t like being vulnerable. I don’t enjoy sharing my weaknesses or deep desires. I don’t thrive on drama and I most certainly don’t enjoy when others pity or feel sorry for me. As a result, I often kept (and keep) most heavy or sensitive matters to myself.

Little did anyone know, I was slowly dying inside. Not really truly dying, but my heart was hurting with the intense ache and loss of not being able to be pregnant.

My womb remained empty.

It was a very long, dark, and lonely road during this season.

(Stay tuned for Part 5 …)