It’s been an interesting journey in these 5 1/2 years of fostering children. We’ve had some very beautiful and easy seasons as well as some really ugly and hard seasons.

Highs and lows.
Mountains and valleys.
Joys and sorrows.

In thinking about these seasons (especially the rough ones), I felt I wanted to communicate something …

Just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong.

As people, we naturally like to find reasons, ask “why” questions, and categorize things to help our understanding. More specifically, if something goes bad or is very diffucult, we often want to find someone or something to blame for it. If we are hurting or struggling, we want to find the source. In finding that source, it’s common to want to get rid of it, remove it, or change it so we don’t suffer from or battle with it anymore. We typically don’t like pain, suffering, or struggle.

Let me say it again, just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong.

Friends, foster care is hard, but it most certainly is not bad or wrong, especially when our hearts beat so strongly for it.

We’ve had a few people in our lives consistently want to blame all of our struggles and pain on our involvement in foster care:

That was a hard season because of foster care.

You really struggled because of that child in your home.

You hurt a lot because of that situation (case).

You really pulled away and isolated when you fostered.

I know that was painful when he/she was with you.

You changed when you fostered him/her.

I will not deny it, there is much pain and hardship when diving headfirst into the foster care system. It is not easy and it has indeed changed us in many ways. But, that doesn’t mean what we are doing is bad or wrong. It’s OK to acknowledge right along with us the difficulties that come with the journey. Let’s keep it real, folks.

Unfortunately, I get the feeling others think we are doing something we shouldn’t be doing. It’s almost as if they question our very lives,

Are you SURE you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing?

Are you SURE you’re supposed to do foster care?

Are you SURE you should continue this?

Let me tell you emphatically, YES! We know we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing, even when we experience pain, grief, suffering, and trials. This is what we do.

Will it change us? Absolutely.
Will we learn more about ourselves and about others? Definitely.
Will we make mistakes along the way? Guaranteed.

But, even when all of this happens and when others do not understand and/or fully support our decisions, we stay the course. Sometimes we step off of the path to rest/heal for a bit, but we get back on the road when we’re ready and when the Lord leads. Yes, we know we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing in this season of our lives.

I am pleased to share, roughly 96% (that’s a random figure, just throwing out a high percent to make a point) of the people in our lives support us in our fostering journey. We are so loved and encouraged by those near and dear to us. Those who give our foster children gifts just as they do our children, who love all of our children the same, who pray for us, who ask how they can help us, who stand with us in the good, bad and the ugly … I know we are not alone. I know it’s a bit cliché’ to say, but it’s true, I cannot express adequately how amazing it is to have that kind of back-up in our friends and family. I am so deeply grateful.

Yet, there remains that 4% that tugs at my heart. The ones who don’t understand or fully support our decisions. I want to help them see more clearly. As I pondered these thoughts, I got to think about why some people question our involvement in foster care. This may or may not be accurate, but I wonder … I wonder if the questioning stems from a more personal (selfish?) perspective? Meaning, Papa and I have only so many hours in our day, and only so much energy to give, so when all of our time and attention is not on them, they may feel left out or hurt? Perhaps it stems from their own pain, loss and grieving in not being as close with us?

Hmmmm. That’s really interesting to think about, actually. Even as I type this, it is helping me see more from their perspective. I should extend a little more grace as they may be experiencing their own pain in losing a little bit of us in this journey. It’s easy for me to forget that we aren’t the only ones to experience hardships and pain in our foster care journey. It does affect those around us, too. Very eye-opening. I needed to remember this!

Continuing on … a dear friend of mine (who is also active in the foster care system) recently texted me a great quote by Jedd Medefind (President of Christian Alliance for Orphans). Once I read these lines, I knew I wanted to add it to this post and share it with you, too.

Pain and trauma do not invalidate your calling – [but] they may validate it.

Pain and trauma … yes, these are often a very real and very hard part of our journey. Yet, we are sure of our calling and decision to participate in foster care, even in the midst of the pain and trauma.

Can I offer a few suggestions to you?

When you see things are hard, and they will and do get hard, can I suggest that you not question whether we are doing what is “right” or “wrong.” When you’re tempted to ask or recommend we give up or stop, instead, come alongside, offer support, and ask how you can help. Yes, we often struggle, but fostering children is our heart. We will serve and love and give our very best, even if/when we experience intense heartache and utter pain along the way.

In fact, these suggestions may be applicable to anyone in the midst of hardships. Whether someone is pastoring, leading, owning/running a business, teaching, moving, parenting, helping, managing, sharing, or any other situation that can bring pain, loss, and suffering … if it’s someone’s very heart and life, spur them on. Encourage.

Give hope instead of giving a way out.

Yes, just because what we do is hard, doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong.

Please know, I’m not saying all hardship and pain is worthwhile or validating, as there are many times it is not (depending on the situation). But, when you know the TRUTH and have a deep conviction about what you are doing, stand firm in it. Even when others question you, believe in the depths of your very being that what you are doing … is worth doing. It is good … and dare I even say, right.

To God be the Glory!!