Foster Care

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Our foster care journey – part 2

(This is part 2 of our foster care journey. If you missed part 1, you can find it HERE.)

May 2006

Knowing how quickly and easily we were able to get pregnant with our 4 children, Papa and I went into what one might call, “panic mode.” We had to do something and do it QUICK or we would have another baby if Papa and I even looked at each other!

Since the plan was always to have 4 children, once we had them, we were “done.” We made the decision for Papa to have a vasectomy in May 2006. This was just over a year from the time our 4th child was born.

We had a lot of major events occur between 2000-2006! During this time, we bought our 1st home, changed communities (including our church community), had 4 kids, had 1 vasectomy … and that’s just the beginning. Definitely a season of change.

After the procedure was done, my emotions were all over the place. There was sadness knowing my season of childbearing was over, but strangely, I also sensed a bit of relief. I had been pregnant or nursing for about 5 years straight, so I welcomed the break from those hormonal roller coasters and bodily changes.

Unfortunately (that’s the understatement of the century!), we realized far too late what we had actually done. I would soon long so deeply for those hormonal and bodily changes to happen again. But, these changes would not come.

(Stay tuned for Part 3 …)

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Our foster care journey – part 1

The Beginning

When Papa and I began dating in 1996, it was very apparent we were going to get married. Because of this, we talked about many of our future plans together: our hopes and dreams, what we want to experience, where we want to live, what our floor plans would be for a dream house, places we want to travel to, and other various fun ideas.

One of these conversations subsequently revolved around children. We loved children. We worked with children. We had hearts for children. Over time, we discussed how many children we wanted to have in our family, as well as when we would like to have them.

Papa is the oldest of 4 children in his family and I am the second of 4 children in mine. It was very natural for us to “plan” to have 4 children of our own as well! After all, that’s what our families had done, so we’d do that, too. Right?! Right. Four children it is. We planned to have our first child about 3 years after we got married so we could enjoy our “alone” time together during those newlywed years. From there, we planned to have a child every 2 years. Yup, that’s “the plan” for us.

Or, so we thought.

Just over a year after we were married, despite many sticky note reminders (literally) all over our 2 bedroom apartment, I missed taking my birth control pills a few times one month. Guess what happened? Yup, we got pregnant. Surprise! In 2000, we had our firstborn son (Bro) a couple of months before our 2 year anniversary. He was born a year or so before we planned, but we instantly fell in love. There was so much love in our hearts that we never even knew was there!

Our hearts grew 1 size that day.

Despite the early start, things were generally going according to our plan.

Eventually, it was that time again to have another baby with our 2 years apart age gap plan. At the beginning of 2002, we were able to get pregnant very quickly! Our schedule was right on track. This baby would be due almost exactly 2 years from the time we had our first. Yay for perfect timing and perfect planning!!

Or, so we thought.

Unfortunately, only 6 weeks into the pregnancy, I had a miscarriage. The doctor said it was a chromosomal imbalance or something? I’m still not exactly sure the cause of the miscarriage. It was a strange feeling to know I was pregnant, but not really feel pregnant (no morning sickness, no movement of the baby, etc.), and lose a baby in the process. We grieved our loss. Papa did have a little harder time, emotionally, than me as he was truly ready and eager to have another baby. But, we worked through our emotions together. I know every miscarriage experience is different for individuals and couples. My heart hurts for the many mothers who have experienced the grief of losing a baby. It is not an easy road, no matter how or when you travel it.

With all of these happenings, our doctor told us to wait a few months before trying to get pregnant again. My body needed time to adjust and heal while our emotions needed to settle a bit, too. We welcomed and accepted that counsel.

Little did we know, those few months of waiting would never come. We were pregnant only 1 month/cycle later. Wow. Though we did not plan to get pregnant immediately after the miscarriage, we were grateful for the quick healing.

Twenty-six months after we had Bro, we delivered a beautiful baby girl (Demo) into the world. A wonderful little miracle who led us in singing and dancing.

Our hearts grew 2 sizes that day.

We enjoyed our “perfect” little family. Papa, Momma, Bro and Demo. By societies standards, we had the “perfect little family!” However, we had always talked about having 4 children, remember?

When our baby girl was just 3 months old, yes THREE months old, we found out we were pregnant again! Wait a minute. What?! Pregnant? AGAIN? So quickly?! Even while nursing Demo? Craziness. This means the gap between our 2nd and 3rd child will be only ONE year, not TWO! Hold on, this is not according to our plan!

Once again, we were stoked. Completely shocked, yes, but incredibly excited! Another baby to love, hold and raise. We were thrilled!

A mere 12 1/2 months after Demo was born, we gave birth to a happy, healthy, made-her-presence-known baby girl (Sparkle).

Our hearts grew 3 sizes that day.

Papa and I were now the proud parents of 3 beautiful children in just 3 short years. Bro was 3 years and 3 months old, Demo was 12 1/2 months old and we had a newborn baby girl, Sparkle. Wow. Not what we had pictured in our heads … but we loved (almost) every crying, laughing, diaper changing, sleepless night, playing, and feeding moment.

Three children in three years … but, we always wanted four children in our family. We’ll wait a bit before having him/her.

Or, so we thought.

Only 16 months after our 3rd child was born, we gave birth to our 2nd son (King) in 2005. We had our 4th baby. Four babies in 4 1/2 years (Bro was 4 yrs 7 mo, Demo was 2 yrs 5 mo, Sparkle was 16 mo and baby boy King was a newborn). Not our original plan, but again … our hearts swelled with immense love for our babies.

In fact, our hearts grew 4 sizes that day.

This is the point in the story where people begin to question our sanity.

“Do you know what causes that?”   Yes.

“Wow, your hands are really full!”  Yes.

“How do you do it?”  One minute at a time.

“Do you sleep?”  No.

“Do you get overwhelmed?”  Yes.

“Will you have any more?”  That’s not the plan!  ?

We now had our even more perfect family. Two boys. Two girls. None of our children were planned by us, but all were planned by God. In fact, the only pregnancy that we had truly planned, ended in a miscarriage. What a very humbling experience.

“The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.”  ~ Proverbs 16:9.

We had planned our way, but the Lord had directed our steps. Praise the Lord for His perfect, though unexpected, timing!

As Psalm 127:3 declares, our four children ARE a blessing from the Lord!

Our hearts were at FULL capacity!

Or, so we thought …

(stay tuned for Part 2 …)

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Felt safety

Foster care is an incredibly beautiful, rewarding, as well as challenging road. There is always something to learn along the way as we care for children with tough backgrounds.

In our foster care journey, one of the greatest impacts we can have on a child is to help them feel safe. Not just know in their minds they can be or are safe, but to truly feel safe.

The vast majority (but not all) of children in foster care have experienced abuse of some kind. This could be physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and/or abuse from neglect or abandonment.  There is trauma. There is hurt. There is pain. There is loss.

For any number of reasons, the children can feel unsafe in their environment. So, when they come from a hard place, it’s a struggle to switch gears. Even if and when placed in a new and healthy environment, children can struggle to feel safe and to trust people. Everything is different. It’s confusing. It’s hard.

Munchkin has been with us for over 6 months now and struggles to feel safe at times. She is almost 4 years old and is seemingly going through the “separation anxiety” stage. She will panic and yell for me if I leave her sight even for a brief moment, “Auntie Auntie AUNTIE! I need you!” It rips my heart to shreds. She is one of the happiest little girls I know, yet she is also one who struggles with intense fear. The fears of feeling alone or abandoned are powerful ones for sweet Munchkin.

It is during these times that it may appear we are “spoiling” her by holding or carrying her often or sitting beside her bed as she falls asleep. Let me reassure you, we are not spoiling her. We often need to keep her closer to us and sacrifice other things (alone time, hobbies, writing, rest) in order to simply be with her. We don’t like to let her “cry it out” as is often suggested to help children sleep better on their own. No, we stay close. Connection. Safety. Trust. When trauma is part of one’s background, spoiling is less likely to be felt by the child. In fact, there is an emotional void that is often so great, it takes a loooong time to refill before feeling safe again.

This is where we come into the picture. We attempt to restore connection. We want to rebuild the broken bridge so children can trust people and safety can be felt and experienced. We hope and pray they not only know they are safe here, but the core of their very being feels safe here. They can let down their guard, take a deep breath and relax.

Connection.

Attachment.

Trust.

Yes, felt safety. It is oh-so-vital in order for connection and growth to take place.

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I have Myopia

Myopia is nearsightedness.

When people have nearsightedness, they can see well things that are close while struggling to see those at a distance. I have myopia both in the physical and spiritual sense.

Over the past couple of months, Papa, the kids, and I have been going through Focus on the Family’s “The Truth Project.” It has been a rich time as we dive into Truth and seeing how it affects our worldview(s). We’ve had some great discussions throughout this journey. If you’re looking for something to study and shift some of your thinking, I highly recommend going through this one. This is Papa and my third time through the series, it’s so good.

As we watched the 6th lesson on “Whose story” is History, the teacher shared about our tendency to have and struggle with myopia. We all have it, in some shape or form, some greater than others. We see what’s in front of us clearly, from our own perspective. It’s often a more selfish perspective. In having this, we can easily neglect to see what God is doing in the big picture and throughout all of history. His perspective. It’s bigger than just us. Though the teacher mentioned it ever-so-briefly, it hit close to home in light of my recent ponderings and most recent blog post.

In my post, I mentioned sharing or teaching from what we know. We share our lives, our passions, our own thoughts and experiences with others to make a difference. I believe this to still be true, but maybe it should be more like the backdrop or a prop, instead of the main stage event.

I am not very familiar with the theater world, but I do know there is a big story being told on a stage. Each costume, actor, prop, background, stage hand, pulley, light, curtain, musical instrument, voice, sound effect, and so many other small and grand parts, help tell a greater narrative. Though we are not actors in a performance, we are part of a bigger story.

It’s incredibly easy, for me, to dwell in and focus on my own little world, my own little part, that I miss seeing what’s happening around me in this greater story.

Take heart friends, the pressure is off, because it’s not all about us, despite our having myopia.

It’s ultimately His story that is being told. He is the focus.

We may know this, but where does that leave us?

How are you and I a part of it all? Sometimes, we just feel so small and/or insignificant. What difference can we make?

Changing analogies here … How can God weave us into His beautiful tapestry?

Friends, we must not only look down and in (at our personal journey), we must also look up and out (at God’s bigger picture). We must see bigger, view greater, and envision beyond what’s right in front of us. We are a piece, a part, a thread of something so much bigger than ourselves. It’s a delicate balance of recognizing the experiences and decisions that make us who we are in the here and now (myopia), yet remembering Who made us in light of history and throughout all of eternity (big picture).

When I spiral down into my own world, into my own little cave of perspectives, thoughts, fears, worries, isolation, I usually start asking myself some tough and pointed questions to help me get out:

Am I reading and meditating on God’s Word, on His Truth?
Am I standing firm on Truth?
Am I merely *thinking* about things, or am I truly taking it to prayer? (thinking about something is not the same as praying with purpose and intention)
Am I doing what He is asking me to do?
Am I doing ____ to please myself?
Am I doing ____ to please others?
Am I doing ____ to please God?
Am I being true to who God created me to be?
Am I feeling restless or feeling content?
Am I going with what I think is best, easiest, practical and most logical?
Am I seeing God at work and moving, or am I missing it from having “myopia?”

Recently, I said “no” to doing some very good things in my life, in order to prepare and be able to say “yes” to better things. It’s not that the actual “things” were better, in general, it’s that they were better because God was leading me (and our family) to do them. His leading is always the better way. These things involved how I use my time, and more specifically, how our family would serve in the local foster care system.

At the time, I didn’t know what those “better” things would be, but knew I had to step away from what was comfortable and routine. I knew I was blessing others with my service and work, but I also knew God had other plans in store for me, for my family.  Though I loved what I did, something was shifting. I did not know what I needed to prepare for, but knew I needed to stop and say “no” in order for me to say “yes” to whatever was to come. It wasn’t easy, but the bigger picture was unfolding before me and I didn’t want to miss it.

I had to step out in faith and leave behind my comfort zone.

Once I made that decision to say “no” and step down from what I was previously committed to doing, I was free to say “yes.” Little did I know, we would not have to wait long to find out what “yes” was awaiting us. Just 2 days later, we received a call from the state (CPS). We now have the sweetest little 3yr old girl (“Munchkin“) in our care who has higher medical needs. If we hadn’t made ourselves ready and available, it would’ve been hard to say “yes” in that phone call. We would not have been able to maintain what we were doing and add caring for her to our lives. God knew what He was doing! He’s weaving our story to reflect His heart, and in this case, His heart to love and care for the “orphans” (children in foster care). I truly cannot imagine life without Munchkin in our home. She’s amazing. Praise HIM for leading us to change things in our lives at the exact moment we needed to change them.

I encourage you to step back, look out, and look up. God is moving. He is working. He has a plan and purpose and it’s bigger than anything we can comprehend or imagine. It’s a beautiful weaving of our lives to reflect His glory.

Don’t be surprised, friends, if and when He asks you to prepare for something “greater” that is to come. It may not be profound or grand from our perspective; as it may be as simple as slowing down and listening to someone share their story, or to step in and teach or help with a class, or provide a meal for a friend in need. Whatever the call, whatever the nudge, I implore you to answer.

You and I have a part in what God is doing. Beautiful threads created and designed for a purpose.

Lord, show us how we can be a part of Your story. Help us to not allow our myopia to cloud or narrow our vision. Help us to see clearly where You are moving, working and what amazing things you are doing far and wide. Sharpen our hearing so we can answer Your call to move, stand, wait, build, speak, or simply just be. You make beautiful things out of us, so here we are, ready to be woven into the magnificent tapestry of Your story. To You be the Glory, Honor and Praise, forever and ever, Amen.