Permanency: Munchkin

This post is shared with a bit of hesitation and heartache, as well as a little anxiety thrown into the mix.

Our little Munchkin is moving toward permanency. This means Munchkin will most likely be adopted in the near-ish future. As her case unfolds, we will find out who the state decides will be adopting her.

Will they approve us, or will they approve her extended family?

We are more than willing and ready, and her family is as well. The courts typically side with family/kin as long as it’s safe and possible. Family is so important, so vital. This means it’s likely not looking favorable in our direction.

My heart hurts.

I don’t want to say goodbye … if it leads to that. I want to hold and love her forever. I want to see her grow up into a beautiful young woman who seeks the Lord and impacts those around her. I want to nurture her and help her develop skills and passions that bring glory to the Lord. I want to teach, train and raise her as our daughter.

I want to hear her call me, “Momma.”

I have waves of feeling (inner) peace about everything, regardless of outcome and circumstances, only to be followed closely by waves of turmoil and questions. Ugh. This is so hard!!!

Yet, in the emotional struggle, we choose to stand firm. We will stand firm in full trust in the Lord. Even when it does not look favorable, we will trust. Even when time is running short, we will trust. Even in the unknown, we will trust.

The Lord has always been faithful. We will continue to rest in who He is and trust Him in this, no matter the outcome.

The biggest question I have is … how much do we fight for her? We want her as our daughter so deeply, but how do we know how to go about this? We have never been in this situation before, so this is new territory.

  • Part of me wants to wait, watch, and see what the Lord will do (praying for a miracle!) …
  • Part of me wants to hold on tight and never let go …
  • Part of me wants to be open-handed and trust God with the outcome (whatever that may be) …
  • Part of me wants to get in the ring, so-to-speak, and fight for her. How “fighting” for her would look, I have no idea. It’s not naturally in me/us to do, so getting pushy or bold before a judge, feels … weird and unnatural.

Lord, show us how to respond and move forward in all of this.

I anticipate these next months will be emotional ones. The future is unknown … but we will continue to remind ourselves of the Truth and of who God is, even when our emotions are all over the map.

He. Is. Sovereign.

Lord, may You prepare the way for Munchkin’s life … wherever that may be …

To God be the Glory!

A sweet addition

As I write this, it is 5am, the house is completely dark. Everyone is sleeping. It is quiet.

I treasure these moments of quiet and solitude. With a house full of children, it is not typically quiet, nor am I often alone. Yet, I adore having a bustling home. Sure, I have a points of hitting my threshold of noise levels, but truly, I am so blessed with a home full of people I love and cherish.

So, why not add more?

Yesterday, I received a call at 8am from a local DHS worker. As the caller’s name displayed on my cell, I knew who it was. She is the caseworker for Munchkin’s case. Naturally, I anticipated an update about her situation.

Surprisingly, this was a call of a different kind.

She saw we were licensed for two foster children and knew we only had one in our home: Munchkin. She let me know there was another precious little girl needing a loving and nurturing home.

I took down the information, as fast as I could write, asked a few questions, and immediately called Papa at work. I conveyed all of the information to him and waited for his initial reaction.

I didn’t have to wait long.

He confidently replied, “This may sound crazy, but I immediately want to say yes.”

Though Papa couldn’t see it, a smile spread across my face as he spoke those words. I had that same feeling and response.

One of the bars we use to gage our answers for possible placements is, “If it’s not a heck yes, it’s a no.” We didn’t have any “no” in us with this call. We did have some questions, but no deal breakers. All of the lights appeared to be green.

But, there is another bar we need to reach to continue to move forward: our children.

With Papa on the speaker phone, I called all 6 of the kids into our bedroom and they piled high on our bed. Whenever there is a spontaneous family “meeting” (of sorts), they often get a bit excited. They know something important is about to be discussed or shared.

Without going into the details of her case, we simply sought their input on welcoming a new little one into our home. Their thoughts, feelings, perspectives and insights are so valuable. After all, we are a foster family, not just foster parents. Everyone is impacted when there is an addition.

Across the board the kids were open and willing. “Let’s do this.” “I want to.” “I’m ok with it.” One gave an “a-ok” sign with his hands. There is always a bit of wonder, nervousness and excitement as the news settles. Change does this. But, overall, they all expressed they are ready to open their hearts up once again and love another child. We have amazing children.

As we continued to discuss what would happen, they did ask 3 specific questions:

  1. “Where will she sleep?”
  2. “How will we fit in the car?”
  3. “Does she have medical needs like Munchkin?”

We addressed each concern quite easily as Papa and I had previously discussed the first two questions and we knew the answer to the third (no known medical needs). It’s interesting to see them respond with practical needs in mind (beds, cars, medical) instead of more abstract needs (emotional, psychological, etc.). We hope and pray this is because they know love is multiplied, not subtracted, when precious little ones come into our home.

Once we all had ample time to share and listen to one another, Papa prayed. I wish I could’ve taken a picture of our beautiful children heaped on the bed, surrounding my phone, listening intently to Papa, as we all prayed together.

We truly are a foster family.

The rest of the day was full of anticipation as we did not know exactly when the new little one would move in with us. I kid you not, the children asked me a couple dozen times throughout the day when she would arrive. “Have you heard anything yet?” “When is she coming?” I do believe they are a wee bit excited. In fact, we all are!

We finally heard later in the day that she would be coming the following afternoon (which is today). We had some extra time to prepare.

Besides those who were at swim practice for the evening, the rest of us did various things to prepare for her arrival. We moved some beds around, purchased some new clothes, and also picked up some adorable new pink and purple bedding for her.

One thing we have experienced, foster children do not always come with a large variety of supplies. They often come with very little of their own personal possessions. Due to their circumstances, it’s also common for them not to experience receiving new items very often, so buying new bedding and new clothes is a simple yet special little way to show our love and care for them. We want them to know right-off-the-bat they are valuable, special, and loved. Hopefully, over time, they will not only know, but will also feel they are valuable, special and loved.

As I finish this post up, the new day is dawning. The sun is rising and spreading its light across the land. Our home will be bustling and active in just a short time from now, and our children will bring their own light and life to the day. We anticipate sweet little one’s arrival on this beautiful day.

Yes, today is going to be a great day.

To God be the Glory!

A good kind of arguing

As with any family, we have disagreements and arguments from time to time. The vast majority of these are between our 6 kids.

They can be passionate about many things: toys, books, food, friends, sports, opinions, and being “right.” People want to be heard, validated and respected. It is often in these waves of passions that arguments arise.

We try to navigate these treacherous waters with extreme care. Our goal is to try to get at the root of the behavior. What are they truly saying? What needs are not being met? How can we help them? Once we know what they are truly communicating, we can address it more effectively. All behaviors, good or bad, communicate something. More often than not, some kind of fear is at the root of their behavior. We do our best to listen more intently and read between the lines to see how to proceed.

Please don’t hear me wrong, our kids do not get everything they want in this process. haha! Oh how they would wish. But, we do try to hear what they are communicating behind the veil of their behavior. From that point, we hopefully will know how to lead them through these more heated and highly emotional times using Truth, using God’s Word, and meeting them right where they are in the moment.

Jesus did the same. He met people in the midst of their need. This is our desire, as well. We definitely aren’t perfect like Jesus, but we do seek to follow Him and His ways.

In our home, there is one kind of arguing that I actually appreciate. Not that I love the arguing, but I love what it expresses, in general.

You see, every day, our 5 older kids argue about who gets to go help Munchkin at various points throughout the day.

They all LOVE to go in and greet her in the morning, hold her, and bring her out to the kitchen for all to see her. She is extra cuddly, has the most amazing bed-head, and typically wakes up with a huge smile, which makes it even that much sweeter for them to want to be with just her for those few minutes (more like seconds, really) in the morning. They beg to hold her at every chance they can get.

There is so much love expressed for Munchkin.

In their passion and love for her, it’s easy for them to argue over who gets to sit by her at the table, who gets to hold her when we’re out and about, who gets to buckle her into her car seat, or who gets to have her on their lap during family movie night.

They argue over Munchkin every single day of the week. Every. Single. Day. Though it can be wearisome at times, as the mom, to constantly be thinking about who helped her last to know whose turn it is now to be with her, I am grateful for this struggle. I would much rather have my children argue over who gets to actively love and help someone, than for them to disconnect and want nothing to do with anyone.

And yes, I do completely realize that many of their tiffs about her are based in selfishness, “He got to get her out of her room yesterday, it’s my turn!” But, as I mentioned previously, those are easier to navigate when they come from a place of helping and serving, than from a place of isolation.

We actually ended up creating a system to ease these daily arguments: Bro’s day to help Munchkin is on Monday, Demo is on Tuesday, Sparkle is on Wednesday, King is on Thursday, and Taz is on Friday. Though this system has helped tremendously, we still get arguments here and there (especially if someone else gets her out of bed in the morning because the assigned person for the day is still sleeping). And, that’s OK. We  learn to practice letting go of our personal desires in order to bless others.

Sacrifice.

Compassion.

Grace.

Even amidst the arguments, Papa and I will continue to lead and guide our children to love and serve each other well; we will continue to dig deeper to find the roots of their behaviors to better meet their needs; we will continue to learn more about ourselves and others as we navigate familial relationships; and we will continue to cast the vision of foster care, of sacrifice, of being brothers and sisters, and of being a strong and solid family.

To God be the Glory!

Just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong

It’s been an interesting journey in these 5 1/2 years of fostering children. We’ve had some very beautiful and easy seasons as well as some really ugly and hard seasons.

Highs and lows.
Mountains and valleys.
Joys and sorrows.

In thinking about these seasons (especially the rough ones), I felt I wanted to communicate something …

Just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong.

As people, we naturally like to find reasons, ask “why” questions, and categorize things to help our understanding. More specifically, if something goes bad or is very diffucult, we often want to find someone or something to blame for it. If we are hurting or struggling, we want to find the source. In finding that source, it’s common to want to get rid of it, remove it, or change it so we don’t suffer from or battle with it anymore. We typically don’t like pain, suffering, or struggle.

Let me say it again, just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong.

Friends, foster care is hard, but it most certainly is not bad or wrong, especially when our hearts beat so strongly for it.

We’ve had a few people in our lives consistently want to blame all of our struggles and pain on our involvement in foster care:

That was a hard season because of foster care.

You really struggled because of that child in your home.

You hurt a lot because of that situation (case).

You really pulled away and isolated when you fostered.

I know that was painful when he/she was with you.

You changed when you fostered him/her.

I will not deny it, there is much pain and hardship when diving headfirst into the foster care system. It is not easy and it has indeed changed us in many ways. But, that doesn’t mean what we are doing is bad or wrong. It’s OK to acknowledge right along with us the difficulties that come with the journey. Let’s keep it real, folks.

Unfortunately, I get the feeling others think we are doing something we shouldn’t be doing. It’s almost as if they question our very lives,

Are you SURE you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing?

Are you SURE you’re supposed to do foster care?

Are you SURE you should continue this?

Let me tell you emphatically, YES! We know we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing, even when we experience pain, grief, suffering, and trials. This is what we do.

Will it change us? Absolutely.
Will we learn more about ourselves and about others? Definitely.
Will we make mistakes along the way? Guaranteed.

But, even when all of this happens and when others do not understand and/or fully support our decisions, we stay the course. Sometimes we step off of the path to rest/heal for a bit, but we get back on the road when we’re ready and when the Lord leads. Yes, we know we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing in this season of our lives.

I am pleased to share, roughly 96% (that’s a random figure, just throwing out a high percent to make a point) of the people in our lives support us in our fostering journey. We are so loved and encouraged by those near and dear to us. Those who give our foster children gifts just as they do our children, who love all of our children the same, who pray for us, who ask how they can help us, who stand with us in the good, bad and the ugly … I know we are not alone. I know it’s a bit cliché’ to say, but it’s true, I cannot express adequately how amazing it is to have that kind of back-up in our friends and family. I am so deeply grateful.

Yet, there remains that 4% that tugs at my heart. The ones who don’t understand or fully support our decisions. I want to help them see more clearly. As I pondered these thoughts, I got to think about why some people question our involvement in foster care. This may or may not be accurate, but I wonder … I wonder if the questioning stems from a more personal (selfish?) perspective? Meaning, Papa and I have only so many hours in our day, and only so much energy to give, so when all of our time and attention is not on them, they may feel left out or hurt? Perhaps it stems from their own pain, loss and grieving in not being as close with us?

Hmmmm. That’s really interesting to think about, actually. Even as I type this, it is helping me see more from their perspective. I should extend a little more grace as they may be experiencing their own pain in losing a little bit of us in this journey. It’s easy for me to forget that we aren’t the only ones to experience hardships and pain in our foster care journey. It does affect those around us, too. Very eye-opening. I needed to remember this!

Continuing on … a dear friend of mine (who is also active in the foster care system) recently texted me a great quote by Jedd Medefind (President of Christian Alliance for Orphans). Once I read these lines, I knew I wanted to add it to this post and share it with you, too.

Pain and trauma do not invalidate your calling – [but] they may validate it.

Pain and trauma … yes, these are often a very real and very hard part of our journey. Yet, we are sure of our calling and decision to participate in foster care, even in the midst of the pain and trauma.

Can I offer a few suggestions to you?

When you see things are hard, and they will and do get hard, can I suggest that you not question whether we are doing what is “right” or “wrong.” When you’re tempted to ask or recommend we give up or stop, instead, come alongside, offer support, and ask how you can help. Yes, we often struggle, but fostering children is our heart. We will serve and love and give our very best, even if/when we experience intense heartache and utter pain along the way.

In fact, these suggestions may be applicable to anyone in the midst of hardships. Whether someone is pastoring, leading, owning/running a business, teaching, moving, parenting, helping, managing, sharing, or any other situation that can bring pain, loss, and suffering … if it’s someone’s very heart and life, spur them on. Encourage.

Give hope instead of giving a way out.

Yes, just because what we do is hard, doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong.

Please know, I’m not saying all hardship and pain is worthwhile or validating, as there are many times it is not (depending on the situation). But, when you know the TRUTH and have a deep conviction about what you are doing, stand firm in it. Even when others question you, believe in the depths of your very being that what you are doing … is worth doing. It is good … and dare I even say, right.

To God be the Glory!!

Our foster care journey – part 8

Below is the final segment of telling how we became a foster care family. To be clear, there will be more stories to come of our adventures, but these 8 parts were the beginnings of our fostering journey.

(Here are the links for Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, and Part 7 … in case you missed or want to reread any of them before the grand finale!)

September 2011

In the back of my mind, I had the movie quote from the Field of Dreams, “If you build it, they will come.”  Well, here we were. We had “built” it, prepared ourselves, and were ready … and they were coming.

During the first month after being licensed we received a couple of phone calls from the Department of Human Resources (DHS). We were being asked if we would welcome some children into our home.

The first call was for 3 siblings ages 2, 6 and 7. In general, when we get a placement phone call, DHS is hopeful to get an answer in about 5-10 minutes. We have a very short window of time to decide whether or not to say “yes” to that placement/case. If we say “no,” they need to move along quickly to call the next potential foster family. Children (waiting for a foster family) are often simply sitting in the office until a home is found. Time is of the essence. In these short minutes, we have to rely heavily on the Lord to show us quickly how to respond.

As Papa and I prayed together over the phone regarding that first placement call, we were able to discern this was not the match for us. We couldn’t put our finger on why that was, until we prayed together. Papa was at work and I was huddled in our bedroom closet as we prayed together over the phone. During that prayer, the Lord brought to mind how it would be impossible for me to leave the house with all 7 kids (our 4 + 3 new kiddos). Our van only holds 7 people, total. In order for me to go anywhere, I would have to do it illegally (without all car seats/boosters and with double-buckling) with 8 people in the car. We knew the Lord was showing us in a very practical way it wasn’t the time to say “yes.”  Praise the Lord for His leading … or rather, putting out the stop sign.

Just a week or so later on September 21, we received our second call. The phone call was similar to the first as we processed and prayed what to do, but we knew this was the one for us. A few days later, I was at the DHS office picking up the most adorable little 2 yr old boy and bringing him into our home. It was the very first time in my entire life I had ever seen another person’s child and instantly felt like I was his/her Mom. It was a strange feeling, but my Momma’s heart to love, care, protect, teach, train, and provide for a precious child welled up within me, even if it was to be just for a season.

What we had prayed, prepared, and planned for over the years, was actually coming to fruition. It’s an amazing feeling to know we are walking in obedience and trust. The Lord was (and is) using our gifts, our passions, our hurts, our struggles, our experiences and our faith to help and love children and their families. God had turned our personal pain into a way to be a blessing to others.

He was making beauty from ashes, and we were just getting started.

As I write this, it has been 5 1/2 years since that first placement call, and we are so very happy to share with you the little 2 yr old boy (our first placement) is now 8 years old. He is doing amazingly well. He is full of life and energy, is brilliant and creative, and is incredibly strong and active. He is in a safe, loving and healthy environment, praise the Lord!

The reason I know all of this, I am proud to say, is because he is now our son, Taz. 🙂

The Lord knew it all. Even when we couldn’t see it, He was weaving our story together.

In fact, we later realized how closely our story and timeline intertwined. The exact month and the exact year Papa and I wept with grief over our decision to permanently stop having more children, an amazing little baby boy was being born in another state. We didn’t know it at the time, but even in those early heart wrenching moments, the Lord was preparing us to meet our son, Taz.

I am thrilled to share with you, our hearts grew 5 sizes that day.

The Lord continues to expand our hearts with each precious child who enters our home. It’s true, love does multiply. There are often intense growing pains in the brokenness, but, there is growth and … more. More love, more joy, and more healing awaits around each corner. Sometimes, we simply need to change directions in order see more clearly.

Foster care is not the journey we had originally planned to take, but following the Lord is the most glorious journey of all. We have learned to wholeheartedly embrace how He directs our steps, so, we continue to step.

We welcome you to join us in the journey. Walk with us on the mountain tops, in the valleys, during the fruitful and dry seasons, and amidst the wonderful and difficult moments in our foster care adventures.

We do not know if or when our story will change directions, but we are in it as long as the Lord is leading us through it.

To God be the Glory!!

Our foster care journey – part 7

(Below is Part 7 of our foster care journey. Catch up on any you missed by clicking on the links here for Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5 and Part 6.)

June 6, 2011

We ended up talking to the gentleman (Confirmation #2) and found out a new Foster Care Training session was just about to begin! Perfect timing.  ?

In 19 short days, our hearts transformed from fear to faith, and we went from not knowing the next step, to actually taking our first step! We were beginning our training to become a Foster family. Eeek!

Though it all happened so very quickly, we were not anxious or fearful. The Lord was teaching us we could truly trust HIM and that in time, we would indeed be ready to welcome children into our family!!

August 2011

After 3 months of training, paperwork, home studies, interviews, fingerprinting, background checks, financial reports, conversations and many many questions (primarily asked by me, Momma) … we were LICENSED!!!

We were now an official foster care family, ready and willing to nurture, love, teach, protect and keep children safe!!

The Lord said we would be ready … and He was right.

We were ready.

(Stay Tuned for the final segment …)

Our foster care journey – part 6

(Below is Part 6 of our foster care journey. You can catch up on the journey by using these links to read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 and Part 5.)

Confirm and confirm again, Lord!!!

Just as our Pastor prayed (in an email response to my May 19th email), I also prayed for the Lord to “confirm and confirm again” exactly what we were to do … and for us to “not to be anxious about anything” in the process.

Praise the Lord … HE answers and confirms!

Confirmation #1

May 22, 2011

During church, a gal shared about gathering in the flock. How we are to be bold and courageous and welcome in those who may be lost, wandering, or need help. I immediately thought about the “lost” children of the world. Those with no homes. Those without a healthy Mom or Dad. Those without a loving home. Those without a safe place to reside. Those who ultimately are without Christ.

My heart broke.

I cried out to the Lord that morning and said, “Lord, I’m not ready to care for other children!!” His (not audible, but very real) response, “No, you’re not ready, but you WILL be.” I cannot describe the peace that came upon me in that very moment. It was as if He had given me permission not to have it all together. What a relief. I could be where I was in that exact moment … but also know that in time, I had the hope I would indeed be ready. We would be ready.

Confirmation #2

May 23, 2011

It was a Monday. We had just been encouraged by the Lord the previous day during church (confirmation #1), so we began looking at this possible, yet unknown journey. We were trusting the Lord in His saying we would indeed be ready!

Being the studious person that I am (haha!), I went searching online for information. I wanted to find a local fostering/adoption company. It didn’t take long before I found a great resource. I called them and they directed me to a particular local gentleman. So, I called him and left a message.

That same day, I called a friend from church who had also looked into fostering/adopting previously and she gave me the name of a local gentleman. Turns out, it was the same gentleman the other company had directed me to call. I felt this was indeed confirmation. We were being led to the same person/place through 2 different avenues. 🙂

Confirmation #3

A random message came through Facebook from a friend we hadn’t seen for 9 or 10 years, encouraging us in our parenting. It came out of nowhere, but it was impeccable timing. God is good. When I began to doubt our ability to care for children from hard places, the Lord brought someone to encourage us in that exact area we needed encouragement. What amazing confirmation!

Confirmation #4

An unexpected $100 check came from someone to encourage us on our journey to becoming a foster family.  ?

Praise the Lord, He was answering our prayers!

The Lord was confirming and confirming again … emotionally, spiritually, practically and financially … we could indeed walk this fostering journey. He was preparing the way.

Fears, anxiety and worry were very quickly fading away while excitement was gaining momentum as we were about to take our first real steps.

(Stay Tuned for Part 7…)

Our foster care journey – part 5

(Below is Part 5 of our foster care journey. Here are the links for Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 … in the event you missed any of them.)

May 2011

My preoccupation with being pregnant increased even more during the month of May.

I found out a college friend of mine became pregnant after 7 years of not having any babies! This renewed my hope that it really COULD happen! Though they did not have a vasectomy like we did, I was hopeful that we could be pregnant again, too.

My obsession only burned hotter and brighter.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I later noticed May 2011 marked the 5 year anniversary from when Papa had his vasectomy. Five years. Though I knew we had worked through our regret for having the vasectomy, I still couldn’t shake the greatness of this loss.

I felt like I should DO something.

May 19, 2011

As my desire to be pregnant continued to consume every part of me, I realized I wanted to do something. I don’t like waiting. But, we had learned from our past experiences and were ready to wait and hear the LORD’s direction for us. We didn’t want to do just anything, we wanted to do what the Lord was leading us to do.

I remember my Uncle describing years and years ago that “true repentance” is “being willing to do whatever it takes to make it right again.” Wow. Whatever it takes.

As we saw them, our options included:

#1-vasectomy reversal.

#2-adoption.

#3-foster care.

Were will truly willing to do “whatever it takes?”

May 19, 2011 marks the day I sent out an email to close friends, family and also to our pastors to seek prayer and wisdom regarding the “next step.”

Below are a few excerpts from that email:

Today, I find myself always thinking about this loss. Not that we have physically lost children since that decision [to get a vasectomy], but we’ve lost the possibility of more wonderful children in our family. I think about it daily. <tears are streaming down my face>

BUT. BUT … I know that we serve a God who can do the impossible. He has parted waters of the sea, calmed storms, healed the blind, raised the dead, made the lame walk, defeated giants, protected from lions, multiplied food, sent fire from heaven, caused time to stand still … made it possible for Mary, Sarah and Elizabeth to be pregnant … I know HE is able!! I mean not this to sound cliche’ … but mean it with my whole heart and agree with His Word when it says … With God, ALL things are possible!!!

With this hope, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that something will happen and that our family will grow again. Somehow, someway, our family will grow.

We have prayed for God to do the impossible and to make it so we are able to have more children. We have opened our minds and hearts up to the possibility of adopting or fostering. We are open.  Both Papa and I feel like our family is “not done” yet. What that looks like, I do not know. Even in saying, “our family isn’t done yet”, I am not sure why or how I can explain that feeling. I recently asked Papa WHY we feel we’re not done yet. Is it because the Lord is preparing us to have more children? Is it because He wants us to prepare our home and family for a future adoption/foster child? I am reminded of this clip from “Facing the Giants” in “preparing” to receive. Or, perhaps we feel this way because we want the Lord to bring “life” where there was “death”? Redemption? Healing? I don’t know that I know the answer to this question. Why. Why do we feel we are not done?

In response to our email, a friend of mine asked about the possibility of a reversal. I let her know what it would take to have it done (financially, physically, time, etc.). I also mentioned that “I’m scared to death to foster or adopt … but am open to it.”

She then asks me, “Why are you scared to foster or adopt?”

My response,

Scared to adopt/foster?  Lots of reasons … scared what “issues” will come with them:

  • scared how they’ll mesh with the family
  • scared how our extended family will welcome them into our family
  • scared what issues they’d teach our kids (lots and lots of anger and abuse issues in every realm here)
  • scared it’ll just be too much and I can’t handle it
  • scared we won’t love them as much as our biological
    scared our other kids will feel neglected
  • scared … for more reasons … but those are a good start.

Lots to think about. Not sure I can handle it … or that I want to handle it.

She simply replies, “I want to pray for you about your fears concerning adoption, I REALLY think it is such a wonderful thing … but I totally get the concerns but I want you to experience more freedom and less fear about it.”

More freedom. Less fear.

Those words jumped off of my laptop screen as I read them. More freedom, less fear. I quickly realized I had allowed myself to be in bondage over the idea of fostering or adopting. Most certainly, I had fed my fears concerning it.

Was I truly prepared to do “whatever it takes,” no matter where it leads or what it looks like?

Was I genuinely willing to open my heart and our home in a capacity that was far greater than I had ever thought or imagined?

Was this how God would eventually grow our family?

In recognizing the multitude of my fears for what they were (hindrances), my heart began to soften and change. A shift was taking place. Fostering and/or adopting children didn’t seem too far fetched as we looked down this unexpected turn in the road.

(Stay tuned for Part 6 …)

Our foster care journey – part 4

(Below is Part 4 of our foster care journey. Here are the links to Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3, in case you missed them.)

November 2010 – May 2011

Two years after Papa and I cried out to the Lord for forgiveness regarding Papa’s vasectomy, a big shift took place: I became obsessed.

In hopes of the Lord doing a miracle in our bodies, I became fully convinced I was pregnant every month. This obsession consumed me for approximately 2 years. In particular, the hope of conceiving again was never more alive than between November 2010 and May 2011. I looked forward to seeing if I was pregnant every month. I (mentally) manufactured pregnancy symptoms convincing myself I was actually expecting again. I calculated ovulation and watched my cycle closely. Every month, for these 6 months especially, I was obsessed.

The idea of being pregnant never left my mind.

Ever.

I searched online the probability for getting pregnant after a vasectomy. I searched websites to be reminded of the symptoms of pregnancy.  I searched for stories of others’ experiences with getting pregnant after a vasectomy. I searched to know how much time and money it would take to get a vasectomy reversal. I spent many hours online searching and searching and searching for these things.

All of this searching left me hungry and longing for something I couldn’t have.

I didn’t say much to anyone during this time. In scenarios like these, I tend to try and be brave by myself. I don’t like being vulnerable. I don’t enjoy sharing my weaknesses or deep desires. I don’t thrive on drama and I most certainly don’t enjoy when others pity or feel sorry for me. As a result, I often kept (and keep) most heavy or sensitive matters to myself.

Little did anyone know, I was slowly dying inside. Not really truly dying, but my heart was hurting with the intense ache and loss of not being able to be pregnant.

My womb remained empty.

It was a very long, dark, and lonely road during this season.

(Stay tuned for Part 5 …)

Our foster care journey – part 3

(Below is part 3 of our foster care journey. Here are the links for Part 1 and Part 2, in case you happen to miss them.)

October 2008

October 2008 marks the moment in time when Papa and I realized the magnitude of our decision to have a vasectomy. In May 2006, we had purposefully, by choice, by our choice, without praying or seeking the Lord’s direction … had gone ahead and made a permanent decision. We would not have any more biological children. Sigh.

It is not uncommon for Papa and I to pray for the Lord to show us what home to buy, what to do with our finances, how to handle our work, how to navigate friendships, what to read in His Word, and we pray for safe travels on long trips. However, we made this gigantic and permanent decision without even praying through it. Why didn’t we?! Why? Because we had made it our choice. It was part of our plan for all of these years. We made it so we could no longer welcome little blessings into the world through my womb, by choice.

We wept.

Our regret and grief penetrated to the depths of our hearts and souls. Pain. Agony. Sorrow. We shed many, many tears.

Here is an excerpt from my journal, dated October 18, 2008,

Papa and I are going through some things. We have realized that we jumped ahead and did what we wanted and planned because it was what we thought was best. We went ahead with Papa’s vasectomy a couple years ago and are now regretting that decision. We both do not feel like our family is done.

This morning we layed in bed and confessed this sin of doing our own will and not God’s. It was emotional for me, and very humbling. We confessed our selfishness and not even consulting or asking God what we should do. Then, we expressed our openness and availability to do whatever HE wants us to do. Whether it be to do a reversal, adopt, foster … whatever. We just “feel” like our family isn’t done growing yet.  What that looks like exactly, we don’t know.

This journal entry sums it up very well. This was such a difficult season in our lives. Our hearts were broken as the full reality continued to sink in further and further with each passing day. Unless the Lord did a miraculous work (which is always possible!!!!), Papa and I would never have any more children.

(Stay tuned for Part 4 …)