With each of my 4 pregnancies, there was much anticipation, bundles of nerves, and oodles of excitement surrounding the arrival of our babies. We knew and expected our lives would change with each new blessing. Some changes would be easy, some would be hard, but, it was always a season of transition.
Things would not remain the same.
After giving birth, there was a period of time when my hormones, body and emotions were constantly in flux with all of the changes. I’d be completely happy and content one minute, and then be at the end of my rope the next. There were many sleepless nights accompanied by much crying, both by baby and by mommy. I was exhausted while simultaneously feeling exhilarated by our precious newborn. The adrenaline that came from holding our babies was undeniable. It’s what kept me moving when I didn’t think I had it in me to do so.
New life does this. It catapults us forward even when we feel like we have nothing left to give. Being a mom is the hardest yet easiest job in the world. It’s fueled and sustained by sacrifice and love.
With each new baby, I’d stare into their chubby little faces and fall completely and utterly in love with them. I’d be enamored by their cuteness one minute, only to feel frustrated and depleted the next that they wouldn’t eat, sleep or stop crying. I could never stay on top of all of the dishes, housework, laundry and often go days without a shower. Yes, there is so much involved with parenting each new baby that comes into the family.
In fact, I’d often feel confident in my parenting abilities one moment, “I’ve so got this,” only to question myself the next, “What in the world am I doing?”
These first few months after their births were often the most challenging. It was a time of adjustment because nothing was the same. It would be a time of healing (mostly physical) and a time of growth. There was a new little life to care for, love and protect. There was a new little personality to learn and manage. There was a new little person to feed, bathe, and clothe. There was a new “norm” to create as the family dynamics changed, once again.
This brings me to today.
I was reminded this past weekend that foster care and adoption are just like having a newborn. Well, alllllmost “just like” having a newborn. There is a precious little person who enters into our home that needs caring for, needs loving, and needs protection. He/She is a new little personality to learn and manage while feeding, cleaning, and clothing him/her. In this transition, I feel the waves of confidence in what we’re doing followed closely behind questioning everything we do. Emotions can run high in this stage of foster care.
This precious little person changes the dynamics of our home in the most beautiful and the most challenging ways.
Yet, it doesn’t stop there.
Ultimately, each new foster placement needs so much more than a newborn. Why? One word: trauma. Children with a trauma background (which often includes neglect or abuse) come with a lot of extra weight. Their experiences are too heavy to bear. They are often weary from the burden of their hurts, but do not know how to let go or to trust. They are scared and unsure of what to expect. They try to control everything around them because their lives are completely out of their control. They did not choose to be in foster care. They do not have a say in what home they live in, what bed they sleep in, what school they attend, what and when changes take place, and overall, what they experience on a day-to-day basis. Everything (pretty much) is out of their control, yet they try to control it all as much as possible. This need for control manifests in their attitudes, words, and behaviors.
They are guarded.
They are scared.
They experience their need to constantly “fight, flight or freeze.”
What these children often need is time. This entire process takes time. The walls around their hearts have (often) taken years to build up, and it will (often) take years to tear down. Being vulnerable is not easy.
Yet, as I look into their eyes, I can’t help but fall in love with each one of them, in a unique way, just as I did with my children I birthed. We don’t know if we will get to love these kiddos for a week, a month, a year or forever, but we try to fully dive into their world to help bring healing and restoration. It’s not always pretty and it’s definitely not easy, but it is truly amazing.
This past month has been a great reminder of this process.
With our new little 6 yr old foster placement joining our family last month, it’s been another season of adjustment. There is a new normal we are discovering. There is a new dynamic that comes with her. She brings to our home both joy and sorrow, healing and hurt, smiles and tears. She’s learning us as we are learning her. Even though it’s only been a month, we see improvements in her guarded little heart.
God does amazing things in and through our brokenness.
During this time with a new addition to our family, it is very common for us to hunker down and regroup. We want to make sure we see and meet the needs of each of our 7 children during the transitions. Sometimes we uncover these needs easily, sometimes we don’t. But, we’re constantly looking at their behaviors, listening to their words, and searching for ways to invest in, teach, train, raise, and love each one of them. We want to meet their needs, head-on.
As we focus on our children (those experiencing first or second-hand trauma), it’s easy to lose sight of all that’s happening around us. We are often wrapped up in our own little world, navigating the rough terrain of trauma parenting, and we simply miss seeing what others are experiencing in their own lives. Quite frankly, when we hide away a bit during this time, it’s not only easy for us to lose sight of others, it’s also easy for others to lose sight of us, too. This is not intentional on either part, just something that naturally happens in the process.
The reality is, sometimes we journey this road with a little less fan fare than if we were giving birth. It’s easy to forget how much changes when someone moves into one’s home and family. With a newborn, there are baby showers, gifts, meals provided, there is endless support, celebrating and everyone rejoices in the new little life.
With fostering, there simply isn’t this same response. It’s not that people are not willing to help and support (because they are!), it’s that they often don’t know how to help or that there is even a need in the first place. To be honest, I’m not the best at asking for help, either. I don’t always know what I need, so I don’t express it.
Hmmmm … perhaps I should create a new blog post listing various ways people can help support a family who has just welcomed someone into their home? I wonder if that would be helpful to anyone (including myself)?
Truly know, I am not frustrated by the natural way things change, not in the least. I think it’s simply eye-opening. I just get a better understanding of why my laundry is daily neglected, why I haven’t emailed people in 3 weeks, why I haven’t been blogging, or why I’m ready for bed at 7pm. Working through trauma, hurts, destructive behaviors, controlling personalities, fight-flight-freeze responses, changes, and big emotional tendencies can be quite consuming. Not in a good or bad way, necessarily, but just in a real it-is-what-it-is kind of a way.
We absolutely love what we do and cannot imagine living our lives any differently. We are in our element when we are walking where God leads us and He has definitely directed our steps on this crazy journey! When we feel off-track, we simply take a step back, look at the big picture, and reassess where we’ve been and where we’re going. Sometimes we just need to recognize and acknowledge our new normal. In doing so, we also see that not everyone will recognize and understand this new normal with us, and that’s perfectly OK! We will continue to trust that He is with us in all of these changes.
Friends, if you are one of the ones I have not connected with in a while, I hope and pray you will extend grace during this transitional season for me and my family. Maybe you can imagine I just gave birth to a baby and am adjusting to having a newborn. That may help give a little perspective into our lives. I realize giving birth is not exactly the same scenario a foster care, but it is quite similar at the core. I’m just hopeful it will help you better understand the changes we (and other foster families) may be experiencing in these first days, weeks and months after a new placement. To put it bluntly, things are a bit crazy at the moment! haha!
I do want to express my gratitude to those of you who have reached out to ask how we’re doing and how you can help. We are doing very well, despite our very, very full life. So, thank you. Thank you for your support and encouragement. It continues to propel us toward the goal HE has set before us as we invest our lives into all of our children.
To God be the Glory!