Confession: This post was written in real-time, but it was not posted in real-time. This sat in my drafts for a few weeks. I feel it is now time to share it with you. This is my heart: trust.

———————————-

I awoke this morning extremely early to care for Munchkin’s medical needs and found I could not go back to sleep. There is far too much on my mind.

My heart is heavy. Tears keeping welling up in my eyes and dripping down my cheeks. My emotions are pretty raw, again.

Recently, Papa and I had a team meeting, of sorts, with Munchkin’s extended Family, the Caseworker, and the Guardian Ad Litem (the GAL is Munchkin’s personal lawyer provided by the state). As her case moves toward “permanency” (adoption), the Caseworker arranged for us all to meet and discuss, share, communicate, be open and honest, and simply express where we are at in this process.

A couple within the extended family wants to adopt Munchkin.

We want to adopt Munchkin.

There is so much love for her … yet, there is so much tension. Tension with some of the extended family members (not with the couple who wants to adopt her). We are so blessed to know and get along beautifully with the couple (who want to adopt Munchkin) as we FaceTime every couple of weeks to maintain family connections.

If there is one thing I don’t like, though it’s often inevitable in situations like this, is tension. Things get emotional, angst and stress rises, people get stubborn and frustrated. The very opposite of what we want, which is to be open, happens. People close up, hold on tight, won’t let go, and even shut down.

Closed fists instead of open hands.

After the meeting, it all feels just … yuck.

I honestly don’t know what to do in this situation. I can’t go into details, for privacy sake, but man, this stinks. It hurts and it’s hard.

Throughout this process of moving toward Munchkin’s permanency/adoption, I have had a picture of willingly holding her life in my opened hands, allowing the Lord to keep her here with us or freely remove her from our hands/home to go to her extended family. Earlier this week, I was again picturing this in my mind, when I sensed the Lord urging me to go one step further. Will I willingly hand her over to the Lord? Not only hold her life with open hands, but will I willingly let her go, giving her into the Lord’s hands, and trusting Him to place her in her permanent home/family?

I didn’t hesitate, in my mind’s eye, to do just that. I gave her to the Lord. I absolutely trust Him with her very life. 100%.

Now, in this tear-filled, heart-wrenching morning, I still trust the Lord. He is continuing to write our story, her story, all of our stories, and I trust that He will do great and amazing things. I don’t know what the outcome will be or who the Judge will ultimately decide to be her mom and dad, but we trust the Lord to show the way.

I am reminded of this beautiful song by Lauren Daigle, Trust in You. The lyrics are so powerful and declare beautifully my heart in this situation. Yes, I will trust in You, Lord! My very favorite line from the song is, “I want what you want Lord and nothing less.” Amen and Amen!

As you may have noticed, a few of my recent posts have been filled with a lot of questions and some big emotions. Even though questions keep arising, emotions intensifying, fears coming and going … God has been and will continue to be the foundation on which we stand. Our faith and trust in His Sovereignty has remained constant. He is carrying us through this, even in the unknown. Papa and I truly trust that God has a plan far greater than we could every comprehend or imagine. He is faithful, my friends, truly faithful.

Lord, keep us humble in this process. Please show us how to love well, even when it’s difficult. Give us eyes to see the brokenness, the hurting, and increase our compassion. We see how so much of the angst and tension is rooted in fear. Pure fear. Oh Lord, let us not respond in fear, but in obedience and love. We want to shine for you, we want to love well, especially in the challenging times. We don’t know what will happen in the future … where Munchkin will live, who will adopt her, or how long the process will take place … but You know. We trust You. Always and forever. I say this with every single ounce of my heart, soul, mind and strength, Lord, may Your perfect will be done. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

To God be the Glory … and may all see His glory … and praise His Holy Name. Amen and Amen.