I feel caught

This post may be a bit messy, raw, and all over the map as I work though my thoughts in this post. But, please hang in there with me. Sometimes I meander through the thick forest of my mind a bit before I get back into the open field where I can see a bit more clearly.

In a recent post, I shared a little bit of the process for Munchkin’s case. As we move toward a permanency plan, I still find myself struggling to know exactly what to do.

I feel caught.

Something I have learned about myself, is that I tend to lean toward travelling the easy road. Quite honestly, if there is any point of stress or tension, frustration or angst, hindrances or barriers, or if anyone is simply unhappy … I tend to question if what is being done is “right.” Right equals easy, with no resistance, correct? Hmmmmm … yeah, I do realize that is not reality, but it’s what I often think. In fact, some of the very best and “right” things are the most challenging, stressful and difficult to do. Yet, I like making everyone happy (which I understand is not possible), so where does that leave me?

Caught.

This road is not easy. There is stress, tension, frustration, angst, and pain. I feel caught in the thickets and thorns of the forest.

As I contemplate over and over and over again all that is happening in Munchkin’s case, I find that the most common thread through all of my questioning and confusion is … FEAR. It is paralyzing. I have very real fears about whether we are doing the “right” thing by putting ourselves as an option for adoption. Are we going against the goal of foster care (reunification with family) by not just stepping aside and letting extended family adopt her? I have fears of the extended family hating us if the judge sides with us. I also fear if we will be “good enough” for Munchkin. Fear. Doubt. These are nasty little enemies.

I continue to wrestle and fight them. Caught between my fears and my faith. 

It’s crazy how easily fear can sneak in and take residence. Once I recognize it for what it is, I have to beat it down and kick it to the curb. I must remember WHO GOD IS in all of this. He will strengthen and uphold me with His righteous right hand. He will guide my steps. He will go before me. He will continue to be Sovereign. He will comfort those who mourn. He will continue to be GOOD.

Sometime soon, we will have a contested hearing (more like a trial) where Papa and I (and likely others) will be put on the “witness stand” to testify. We won’t be at the courthouse to discount the family or do any mudslinging, we will simply express our hearts, our lives, our hopes, our dreams, and our experiences with Munchkin. The judge will want to hear what we do to love and care for her, so we will do just that. We will share exactly who we are, just as the extended family will share exactly who they are.

Yes, this is where the rubber meets the road. You see, God has created me to sacrifice myself often. Even as a little girl, I had compassion ooze from my being. It’s easy for me to set aside my own desires and wishes more often than I confess and share them. I feel what people feel, so if I know that something I am doing can cause them heartache … that in and of itself makes my own heart ache. I want to stop their pain and struggle. I’d rather feel the pain instead of them. I don’t know how to find the middle ground and make everyone happy. Reality is, this will not happen in this case. Not everyone will be “happy.” Some will grieve, while others will rejoice. No matter what is decided by the judge, the trajectory of Munchkin’s life will eventually be set. Lives will be changed forever. Tears will be shed. Smiles will be seen. Hugs will be exchanged.

Oh man, this is a going to be hard, probably harder than I may realize or expect.

Yes, my heart remains raw in this process. It is vulnerable and open to possible pain and suffering. I am coming out of the forest. I can see it clearly. This road was not meant to be easy, but, it was meant to be traveled.

Lord, help me to …

… remain open-handed.

… trust.

… fight the fears.

… shush the lies.

… love deeply.

This is a journey that is and will continue to be covered in prayer.

To God be the Glory!

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