Foster care is an incredibly beautiful, rewarding, as well as challenging road. There is always something to learn along the way as we care for children with tough backgrounds.

In our foster care journey, one of the greatest impacts we can have on a child is to help them feel safe. Not just know in their minds they can be or are safe, but to truly feel safe.

The vast majority (but not all) of children in foster care have experienced abuse of some kind. This could be physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and/or abuse from neglect or abandonment.  There is trauma. There is hurt. There is pain. There is loss.

For any number of reasons, the children can feel unsafe in their environment. So, when they come from a hard place, it’s a struggle to switch gears. Even if and when placed in a new and healthy environment, children can struggle to feel safe and to trust people. Everything is different. It’s confusing. It’s hard.

Munchkin has been with us for over 6 months now and struggles to feel safe at times. She is almost 4 years old and is seemingly going through the “separation anxiety” stage. She will panic and yell for me if I leave her sight even for a brief moment, “Auntie Auntie AUNTIE! I need you!” It rips my heart to shreds. She is one of the happiest little girls I know, yet she is also one who struggles with intense fear. The fears of feeling alone or abandoned are powerful ones for sweet Munchkin.

It is during these times that it may appear we are “spoiling” her by holding or carrying her often or sitting beside her bed as she falls asleep. Let me reassure you, we are not spoiling her. We often need to keep her closer to us and sacrifice other things (alone time, hobbies, writing, rest) in order to simply be with her. We don’t like to let her “cry it out” as is often suggested to help children sleep better on their own. No, we stay close. Connection. Safety. Trust. When trauma is part of one’s background, spoiling is less likely to be felt by the child. In fact, there is an emotional void that is often so great, it takes a loooong time to refill before feeling safe again.

This is where we come into the picture. We attempt to restore connection. We want to rebuild the broken bridge so children can trust people and safety can be felt and experienced. We hope and pray they not only know they are safe here, but the core of their very being feels safe here. They can let down their guard, take a deep breath and relax.

Connection.

Attachment.

Trust.

Yes, felt safety. It is oh-so-vital in order for connection and growth to take place.